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A lot of people I meet don’t believe my stories about Gyula Tamas Zubovicz who was the real Dracula, head of Dracula Crime Family of the Hungarian Mafia. They especially don’t believe me when I tell them that Zubovicz survived a car bombing in Budapest back in 1997 only to die in the hospital.

To add some spice to the story, my Hungarian cohorts have recently provided me with a copy of the vehicle that Zubovicz was in when the bomb went off, making it even more incredible that he survived the blast:

The official Hungarian police story about who did it is that they had eyewitnesses to “Oleg T.,” a Ukrainian former Soviet Spetsnaz agent (like the Dolph Lundgren character Nikolai Rachenko in Red Scorpion). They arrested Oleg, but lo and behold, the Ukrainian authorities contended that no, Oleg couldn’t have done the hit because he was in a Ukrainian jail at the time (yeah, right…).

Of course the Dracula Crime Family’s official story is that Zubovicz was taken out on orders of Semion Moghilevich of the Red Mafiya or Russkaya Mafiya. Wikipedia describes his relationship as “By the mid-1990s it was believed that Israelian ‘Don’ Semion Mogilevich had become the ‘boss of all bosses’ of most Russian Mafia syndicates in the world. He has been described by the British intelligence as ‘one of the most dangerous men in the world.’”

The official position of the Dracula Crime Family is also that since Zubovicz is a Vampire, he is not actually dead. It was insisted that he be buried in native Transylvanian earth, and so he is simply resting up until he gets better. This is why every last weekend in May (the anniversary of his alleged demise), we hold the Annual Dracula Resurrection Party, at which we serve Vampire Label red wine imported from Transylvania as “blood of Dracula,” and his favorite food, blutwurst (blood sausage) as “body of Dracula,” as the sacraments of his resurrection. Look at it this way. Christians have been waiting for Jesus to come back for 2,000 years, and they didn’t even know him. I’ve only been waiting for Dracula to come back since 1997, and at least I knew the guy!

For an invite to the next Annual Dracula Resurrection party, email [email protected].

Janos Tokar, Acting Dracula on Earth